The Insensitivity of Men -
A Story of Loveheart-shaped Vegemite Sandwiches, and the Men who Reject Them

To date, my Valentine’s Day experiences haven’t really been the best. I’ve lived through quite a few in my time, and the vast majority have left a lot to be desired. I don’t want to appear like the typical female here; the one who complains about the quantity of any kind of gift she receives (eg. only receiving a hundred red roses for Valentine’s Day, instead of the standard one hundred and one). But I may have issues with the quality of the gift. And by this I really mean I’d prefer something with a bit of thought attached to it, rather than something that you’ve bought from the petrol station at the last minute on your way over. Honestly, I’d take a burnt CD with a personal note attached over the heart-shaped candy and the obligatory Valentine’s Day card any day. 

Okay, not all men are insensitive. Perhaps my generalisation just applies to all the men I know, and have ever known. Some of said men are probably reading this and thinking, “Gosh, I wonder if she’s including me in this generalisation?”, and the answer to that is YES. I try and remain objective about things like this, but it’s hard not to apply the same theory to all men in general.

Before you start yelling “Harpy! She hates men! Man-hater!” let me assure you that this is not the case, and allow me to explain.

My first ever proper boyfriend, back in the youthful days, had a part-time job. He’d been saving up some money to take me out to dinner on Valentine’s Day, which was exciting for a young lass who had never really been anywhere fancy before. I was the envy of all my single friends, as well as a number of my non-single friends whose boyfriends thought that going somewhere nice meant splurging on something other than McDonald’s at the food court in the shopping centre. A couple of days before Valentine’s Day my then-boyfriend lets slip that we’d be going to a seafood restaurant. Uh-oh, I hate seafood. HATE it. And I’m pretty sure he knew that, since I told him I was allergic to all kinds of seafood a number of times previously. Instead of rearranging plans, the insensitive ex boyfriend decides to take my best friend instead, who actually didn’t see a problem with the situation, and they lived happily ever after (for two weeks).

The Titanic Incident is one which some of my friends still remind me about to this day. We all know the Titanic movie starring Kate Winslet and Leonardo Di Caprio. I was 16 when it came out, and even now I still remember how much I hated the film and how I had to sit through 3+ hours of it, all the while being exposed to Celine Dion’s vocals at various intervals. I saw it with my boyfriend at the time, who heard my opinions of the film a number of times. Evidently he dismissed them, because the following Valentine’s Day I got the Titanic Soundtrack on CD, with “My Heart Will Go On” explicitly dedicated to me. I am not joking. Well, my heart did go on, and quite swiftly after receiving that gift. Note: I still have this CD.

IF ANYONE WANTS IT I WILL POST IT TO THEM FOR FREE. I AM SERIOUS. FOR REALSIES. I WILL POST IT TO ONE LUCKY PERSON WHO WRITES A HEARTFELT PLEA AS TO WHY THEY SHOULD OWN THIS CD – SEND YOUR APPLICATION TO misha@scrawled.org WITH THE SUBJECT TITLE: TITANIC CD. 

I wasn’t sure whether I should include this next example or not, since it doesn’t really describe insensitivity, per se. More like over-the-top, over-sensitivity. One Valentine’s Day I was presented with over thirty stuffed animals, some almost as tall as I am. This was slightly terrifying, particularly since it came from someone I’d only just started seeing, and some of the toys had ‘I HEART YOU’ written in big red letters on the front. I guess it was a little insensitive, scaring the hell out of me like that, so it still fits into the general argument.

Even men I don’t actually know can be insensitive. As is the norm these days, you meet people online who you’ll probably never meet in real life. You form friendships with them and send them emails during the day when you should really be working. It was during one such email session when one of my male online friends jokingly asked what I’d make him for dinner. I said I’d send him a plate of vegemite sandwiches, cut into some nice triangles, and have them sent straight to his desk. Come on, how can you go wrong with those! This suggestion was met with a distinct rebuttal – vegemite was out of the question (“It’s like a punch in the face that sticks to the top of your mouth”). I proposed to cut the sandwiches into loveheart shapes and send them over in mid-February, and that way he’d have to eat them because they were personalised. They would make a great Valentine’s Day present, right? Wrong, apparently. My well thought-out suggestion was shut down, totally rejected, thrown to the floor and stomped on thoroughly.

Actually, I wish I could say I was genuinely upset by the rejection of my loveheart-shaped Vegemite sandwiches idea, but I wasn’t really. It did get me thinking though, and was the inspiration for this piece of writing. If the tables were turned and someone sent a plate of Vegemite loveheart-shaped sandwiches straight to my desk at work, no matter what day of the year, I’d seriously consider marrying them.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that most girls appreciate a bit of thought into the gifts they receive. It’s a little late now, but next Valentine’s Day, make it look like you’ve gone to a bit of effort. Don’t get her a goddamn Titanic Soundtrack CD under any circumstances. Yes, Valentine’s Day is a highly commercialised day but it doesn’t necessarily have to be. And we’re all secretly romantics at heart who not-so-secretly wouldn’t mind getting a bunch of flowers on the day, no matter what the Editor-in-Chief says.

I’ll raise my glass to all you singletons out there who had a shitty (i.e. non-existent) Valentine’s Day this year like I did. A toast to all of you out there who listened to The Cure, but who secretly wanted to listen to the Titanic Soundtrack instead.