Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 20)
Two months until your birthday, and already you've got an itinerary of things you want. In order. Because you're an ass like that. February will be a busy month for you, but thankfully you've got a designated shit-kicker at work who can take on three quarters of your responsibilities, leaving you more time to support your alcohol-dependency.
Love - Knowing you, Aries, you spent Valentine's Day dreaming of yourself, rather than your significant other. As a result, you forgot the importance of this day entirely, so offered yourself as a gift to your partner. What a shitty gift. You lose.

Taurus (Apr 21 – May 20)

Stubborn-headed Taurus, you are up for a rough month ahead. People might question your work ethic in the next couple of weeks, but you'll plow straight through anything that arises in relation to your moral fibre, and dance on the ashes of anyone who gets in your way. You may be up for a promotion this month.

Love - Your Valentine's Day would have been one of the best out of all the other starsigns. Primarily because you didn't have to get anything for anyone, lonely Taurus, so you avoided the disappointment involved with receiving a crappy gift or none at all. No wait - you lose.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 21)

Would you like the good news, or the bad news first? The bad news is that your travel plans will probably be cancelled. The good news is that you don't have syphilis. Concentrate on your health this month – a jog around the block occasionally would not kill you.

Love - Well done, Gemini. Because of your fear of spending holidays alone, no doubt you would have snapped up a member of the opposite (or same) sex to spend Valentine's Day with. You gift-whore you, I hope you had a great day with your gifts of greed.

Cancer (Jun 22 – Jul 22)

Your perpetual bad mood should be lifting soon, crabby Cancer. The stars show that things will start looking up for you once you get your hand off it and make an effort to dispel the moody blues. Go light your oil burner, chant a peace mantra, and run around your yard naked to speed up the process.

Love - What is up with that gift you bought your loved one for Valentine's Day? Seriously - that just guaranteed you a month of sleeping on your own. You jerk. The good news is that you'll learn from your mistakes next time around.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Just when you thought you were making progress in the Game Of Life, February comes along and kicks your success in the sack. Oop! Once your self-pity runs its course, things will get back on track fairly quickly. In the meantime, stock up on ample amounts of alcohol to get you through the rough patches.

Love - You might want to purchase a bit more alcohol for the week of Valentine's Day. Just when you thought things couldn't get much worse, you realise that those roses your loved one said they'd send you are not going to arrive. Ever. Chin Chin.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

It's month two of the year and already you've broken three of your New Year's resolutions. Life would be a lot easier if you just started smoking again – and secretly, no one would be surprised if you took up drugs either. Spend some time in the outdoors this month. It wouldn't hurt your pasty ass to get some sun every now and then.

Love - If your Valentine knew you better, they'd know not to get you any candy for Valentine's Day. Not only because you tend to hoard all kinds of food for yourself and consume them within a few hours, but also because it does nothing for your complexion. Oh well, they weren't to know that you are ugly all of the time.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)
There seems to be an air of competition in the workplace due to whispers of a staff reshuffle.  Practice, practice, and practice again.  Practice makes perfect, but the new girl will get the job because the boss has been knobbing her since her first interview, and you will be replaced in three months by Pradeep from India, who can type 110wpm with his one surviving nub. 
Love:  The new bird at work you've been fantasizing about knobbing since she arrived will politely decline in favour of a sweatier, smellier, balder you, but with a much bigger... paycheck.  This month's lesson?  Everyone is better than you.  In every way.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Decision-time, Scorpio!  Put the bong down, get a haircut, and quit your punk/death metal "band" -- sitting in a garage smoking weed, fondling your Fender, and dreaming of sexing a packet of Cheetohs does NOT count as a successful life-path. Get a fucking job, or settle on the fact that you will be living in your mother's spare bedroom for the rest of your life, and then start settling on the thought that in about ten years time, you'll probably move into the bedroom with her.
Love:  You sit in a garage smoking weed, fondling your Fender, and dreaming of sexing Cheetohs.  There is no love for you, Scorpio – not now, not ever.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
The last little while has been hard on you Sags.  Everywhere you turn, people are abrasive and unco-operative, and nearly always negative to any suggestions you may have.  That's not their fault, it's yours.  Grow a pair and use brute force in the form of heavy, bone-shattering blunt objects.  'Trauma' is so scene, and sometimes, people need to have the point beaten into them.
Love -  So you've been down the last couple of months because you haven't been too successful in picking up at pubs and clubs.  Try the Internet!  At least you can lie through your teeth and nobody can see.  Cybersex is about as good as it gets for you.    

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 21)
You said you'd shed that emotional baggage at the beginning of the year, but it's been a month without results, you lazy bastard.  Sometimes, we repress memories because they're too horrifying to voice or act on.  This is what's happening to you – someone told you at the bar last Valentine's Day that it's not rape if the person's already dead, so why do you feel guilty?  Because not only was that 'someone' a Westcoast Coolers drunk, but they were also JOKING.  You are a horrible, horrible person.  Communist.
Love -  None.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
You have an excellent-paying job, a wonderful partner who caters to your every whim, and a jumpin' social life, but you're still not satisfied with your life, you ungrateful fuck.  Telling everyone you're on Ice doesn't make you cooler, nor does it justify your sexing of small, furry animals.  There's a fairly healthy (???) breed of fetishists out there called Furries, go check them out and save face.  Kindasortamaybenotreally.
Love -  Duct tape should be removed gently, but only after you're certain that they won't scream.  Wave some knuckle-dusters around for added effect.  Ambience, or something.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Lagging social life?  Well here's a few notes for you.  There's a huge difference between glancing and leering – the drool.  Also, thrusting mid-conversation for no reason is hilarious, but probably highly inappropriate.  Brush your teeth at least once a day.  Write all of that down, if you have to.
Love -   I looked into my crystal ball and saw nothing but you sitting alone, with that stupid face you have, which caused me a lot of distress and fury.  You now owe me the cost of one crystal ball, as the sight of you made me accidentally throw said crystal ball at a baby's face.  Repeatedly.  Until it smashed into little shards.  Whoops.